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Nov. 28th, 2008 | 01:35 pm

Thirty-four weeks and I'm back. This time, well, last time I dreamed lucid, heavy, some part of me cautapaulted through what some would call the astral plane and I think I reached out for someone.. in my dreams, every night, got closer and closer till in this world, contact was actually made.

It was strange.

This week has a been a strange one for me. I certainly have come back, after a whole summer of living freely, to a desire for spiritual- and self-discipline. I've been meditating more, slowly, but still doing so. The push is there.

I have also done some analysing on the way hallucinogenics affect me and hypothesized ideas about how they open doors of consciousness for me. I'll probably try to fine tune these ideas when I have time to write them out.


Let's hope I stick with this one.

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an old experience

Mar. 29th, 2008 | 04:07 am

i wrote this write after doing p. cubensis for the first time back in 12/30/2007.

the fall and the rise, a shallow suicide and p. cubensis

you're right. it is maddening. we are supposed to be these artists. these skyscrapers, intellectuals with dreams that can't be held down. i imagine the lot of us at swanky parties, discussing things in a dialect of philosophical jargon that no one would get. i imagine the lot of us working with our hands in our neighbors gardens, giving and giving to the people and the earth because reaching out keeps us real. instead, i lay here in the silence and listen to the wind blow the snow across the plains like rivulets. here i will stay, for consuming that which does not nourish and i must repent. there is aloneness, a loneness that sinks into the skin like thick, expensive perfume.

I laid for hours as the sun set, as everything went on happening and i tried to talk myself into a downfall and later dripped through my mother's arms as she tried to grasp the weight of my unraveling feeling. she pours like summer rains, and it's a closeness i recognize and can only feel with my best friend, the love of my life; a closeness that when you see or hear the pain emit from the diodes, your heart begins to emulate the feeling and you cry, too.

I think that wishing won't get you what you want, BUT I do think that it helps motivate you to actually put conscious action into your ideal. it just takes baby steps. the people we idealise is a process that takes years and years to form, and even then it's not completely done.

i have been thinking lately that self improvement is such a big joke. because it is a hook, it's like "spiritual consumerism" because you desire and desire and keep growing.. not that growth is bad, but i think the desire to constantly reform ourselves into "better people" is a bad idea because it feeds the feeling that we are inadequate as we are.

it begins like a symphony tuning..

hollow openecho the future is feeling and i feel it. i think everything eveything just feels so right now. i dont even think, i keep grabbing for something thats not there i keep grabbing for something that is not there. i and i am open and feeling and breathing and open everything is so geometric and manic and beautiful and flowing. cant help but wonder what i look like righ tnoww.. dfsigj... i love breathing and open.. boundless and free!! i wish right now i am just staring at her face and its moving but i cant even move my fingers across the universe

i just can't help but be overwhelmed by the immense beauty in everything. i wish i could explain the fractals of feeling this is echoing unbroken forever nondual being everything is just meeting as it is and i can feel it...... i can do this through meditation..

i can;t do this typing when the meeting of carbon fingers against the plastic technology feels so foreign and wrong

everything is just so open echoing i cant even explain the meeting of both


for a while i was by myself in my room-- big mistake- and i'm trying to recall the confusion and indecisiveness that i felt. it's hard because it was like experiencing two conscious..minds, the frustrating part was not being able to pull them together and not being able to sit still. i felt awful and decided, maybe i will sleep through this feeling and wake up and in the morning i will be okay. i kept worrying that it was going to last forever, because everytime i looked at my clock it was like only two minutes had passed but it felt like so so long. i think i felt trapped, and just generally dissatisfied. i just couldn't decide and everything was freaking me out, it was just so FRUSTRATING but once i got a hold of myself, i decided to try to being myself back up.. i became entranced by the symmetry in my hands, playing with the tracers that were dripping off my finger tips and cascading against my purple lamp and my painting behind it. i realized i could create radiance if i thought hard enough and moved my hands in a fashion that brings the ocean against rocky shore lines. this beauty i was making made me ecstatic, like some metaphorical recreation of realizing that beauty can become a matter of perspective and that with effort, the perspective can be sustained. after this, i no longer wanted to be alone and went to share this with geneva.. where here, like in the hallways of growth, geometry spun itself onto the walls and sharing became so open, wide, semicircles spiraling like scaley skin. our conversations were like touching the inside and the outside of each other at the same time, saturated with joy and the everything.


it seems like we all seem to think we are so bad at being human. this thought here, shatters the walls of culture apart.. because we think something is inherently wrong in being human, we destroy and consume and feel empty still. well. funny that my mind, once so full of thoughts, sits at this keyboard with nothing to say. i am so lost. these words cannot transcribe the way that my voice delivers this empathic serenity.. through the cosmos, echoing as if nothing were between where my voice is and where it is going.. from my mouth to your ears. now. the now is what is so beautiful, eternal, this..fragrant truth, absent, so absent of all symbolic, conceptual thought.. not so much absent as it is complementary. the now is open, boundless, you feel the inside and out simultaneously, it's indescribable. the pain, the crying, oh the crying.. it comes from the reattachment of the past and future onto the now. all is one, but now is now.. connected with past and future, means there is neither.. just the now. this nonsense, this nonsense that people write only those who have felt can really understand the glistening beauty of ever present boundlessness. just being.. that's what it was. just to be, let go, giving in to the now. then, the reattachment. the dreary. clinging to the future or the past.. the suffering, that seems so painful.

i want to touch on the meditations.. the light, the light was so.. magnified, it just magnified everthing. and my eyes, my eyes were unfeeling, it felt like i was staring so openly.. so open, it felt impossible.

this is not profound truth. but i felt the quiet.. the nothingness.. the vast empty of quiet, so comforting and there and being so fucking aware of it. it was so huge. so large. it was the universe. the quiet was like tapping into the vacuum of the infinite universe.. there was just emptiness.

i just got so fucking lost. i know i can reach out but i don't make the effort. into the mirror
i just stared. i just stared i just stared and it was just so fucking distasteful. who the fuck am i to do this shit to myself. i stared futher, closer.. my face.. it became like that face, it did, this strange ever present face, the four eyes all quaintly, if i tried it, changing into one.. and i stared, i stared into the eye and the darkness, the black center was so vast, so empty, it felt like a hollow core and my iris was just a staggered wasteland encircling the hollowed core.

there are things that seem to be arising as common themes within this thread of laughter.. the thread that fractals downward. i mean i have been known to worship the fractal nature of trees but to actually feel and be the fractals moving? shit. its strange because i felt like fractals but the vastness was something i experienced as an observer. if i let myself observe.. things.. got very.. empty but also full. i love the radiant radiating undulating sparkulating.. glimmer of breathing.

profound realizations of beauty? there are forks in the road here.. the grandest thing is to exist between the walk and the talk, for your presence here connects them both and thus they become one.

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Mar. 29th, 2008 | 03:42 am

Last night/this morning I totally had a lucid dream, which I don't think I've ever really had. I've had dreams where I knew I needed to wake up, but in this one I really knew I was dreaming.

I know I always have the most vivid dreams in the mornings before I wake up, because I set my alarm like 5 or 6 times and then hit the snooze button continuously; so I'm always closer to consciousness in those dreams.

However, Wikipedia states that a method that is similar but lengthier to what I usually do will help induce lucid dreams much more easily:

The wake-back-to-bed technique is often the easiest way to encourage a lucid dream. The method involves going to sleep tired and waking up five hours later. Then, focusing all thoughts on lucid dreaming, staying awake for an hour and going back to sleep while practicing the MILD method. A 60% success rate has been shown in research using this technique.[25] This is because the REM cycles get longer as the night goes on, and this technique takes advantage of the best REM cycle of the night. Because this REM cycle is longer and deeper, gaining lucidity during this time may result in a lengthier lucid dream. (more info)

I'm thrilled about this particular one, though, because I remember from Waking Life that light settings rarely change at all, such as with light switches, when you are inside of dreams. On wikipedia, I followed the citations and this is actually true. This dream was intense because of that exact reason, I think it was similar to the fear of dark that you get from watching I am Legend and I was in my apartment desperately trying to turn on the lights inside of the bathroom, kept moving to the hallway and trying to, and it just wasn't working. What's amazing is that as soon as I was able to turn on a light, a voice in my head screamed, "YOU NEED TO WAKE UP!!" and I shot right out of bed. and I did have to, because if I didn't I would have slept through class.

I wonder how many people experience sleep paralysis, because I do, a lot. Especially when I fall asleep in places that are not my bed or when I am just napping and not actually "going to sleep." I used to experience it a LOT in high school when I'd accidentally fall asleep in class, which was SO fucking horrifying because I'd be so worried I'd get called on and wouldn't be able to move. I read that you can have intense hypnagogic auditory hallucinations, as well, and this has happened to me. It's weird.

Also, this is good to know: Vitamin B6 can increase dream vividness when taken with Tryptophan. This is due to the role this vitamin plays in the conversion of tryptophan to serotonin.

I need to start meditating again so I can begin incorporating lucid states into them, and just experimenting with my mind to see what I can cultivate.

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i will update tags later.

Feb. 12th, 2008 | 08:05 am

I read that one of the girls, Polly, from the THIN documentary (soo revolutionary in my eyes, although I wish it would have gotten deeper, there's only so much you can do in two hours) died on Friday. Some rumour it as a suicide, some say an overdose.. I have no idea. It's so sad. She seemed to be doing so well. She even updated her blog online on THAT very day. It's.. haunting and scary.

I wrote this as a reply to someone who was talking about losing their identity of being an anorectic and how to accept that it is done and to move on. She mentioned that she feels like she doesn't have an eating disorder, it's more like post traumatic stress disorder from her eating disordered past. it's so easy to lament a lost identity, and i think it has a lot to do with suicide (too much pressure of living up to an identity).

"Man, it's hard, rebuilding an identity. In a non-destructive sense, I shaved my head in March of last year, when I turned 20, and it took me all the way up until recently, one or two months ago, to actually feel comfortable with an identity again. I lost my complete feminine identity, my sexual identity, my sense of blending in. This was all partly because I was in recovery and partly frustrated with being fat and losing my "thin" identity. i felt like a fat mannequin. Except for some short blips of true recovery, I was so happy with myself and making stronger relationships with people, I made so many friends. funny that I look back at those pictures of myself and cry because i let people record my hair and body in such a state. I mean, i looked so bad. but at the time it was irrelevant. makes you think.

During that time I have done a lot of studying about identity, particularly how eastern philosophies view identity, and i have examined much of my western identity in relation to capitalism, consumerism, and our culture. i have found that what nourishes me is eastern philosophy. it has helped me let go of the identity concept many times. although identity is something that persists, it has helped me accept it and understand that i can and am able to transcend (and include!) it. i obviously haven't made that a lasting stage yet, but it's a continuous process.. all (actually, maybe just most) humans struggle with that basic idea, the identity. "

I am saddened about Polly, I felt I could connect with her, I watched that documentary so much.

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Tich Nhat Hanh.

Jan. 31st, 2008 | 11:36 pm

Our joy, our peace, our happiness depend very much on our practice of recognizing and transforming our habit energies. There are positive habit energies that we have to cultivate, there are negative habit energies that we have to recognize, embrace and transform. The energy with which we do these things is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a kind of energy that helps us to be aware of what is going on. Therefore, when the habit energy shows itself, we know right away. "Hello, my little habit energy, I know you are there. I will take good care of you." In recognizing it as it is, you are in control of the situation. You don’t have to fight it; in fact the Buddha does not recommend that you fight it, because that habit energy is you, and you should not fight against yourself. You have to generate the energy of mindfulness, which is also you, and that positive energy will do the work of recognizing and embracing. Every time you embrace your habit energy, you can help it to transform a little bit. The habit energy is a kind of seed within your consciousness, and when it becomes a source of energy, you have to recognize it. You have to bring your mindfulness into the present moment, and you just embrace that negative energy: "Hello, my negative habit energy. I know you are there. I am here for you." After maybe one or two or three minutes, that energy will go back into the form of a seed, in order to re-manifest itself later on. You have to be very alert.

Every time a negative energy is embraced by the energy of mindfulness, it will lose a little bit of its strength as it returns as a seed to the lower level of consciousness. The same thing is true for all other mental formations: your fear, your anguish, your anxiety, and your despair. They exist in us in the form of seeds, and every time one of the seeds is watered, it becomes a zone of energy on the upper level of our consciousness. If you don’t know how to take care of it, it will cause damage, it will push us to do or to say things that will damage us and damage the people we love. Therefore, generating the energy of mindfulness, to recognize it, to embrace it, to take care of it, is the practice. And the practice should be done in a very tender, non-violent way. There should be no fighting, because when you fight, you create damage within yourself. The Buddhist practice is based on the insight of non-duality: you are love, you are mindfulness, but you are also that habit energy within you. To meditate does not mean to transform yourself into a battlefield, the right fighting the wrong, the positive fighting the negative. That’s not Buddhist. That is why, based on the insight of non-duality, the practice should be non-violent. Mindfulness embracing anger is like a mother embracing her child, big sister embracing younger sister. The embrace always brings a positive effect. You can bring relief, and you can cause the negative energy to lose some of its strength, just by embracing it.


sorry for the crossposting.

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not two.

Jan. 31st, 2008 | 11:35 pm

Nonduality (Advaita) means "Not Two".
It points to the Oneness at the Heart of all things.

But it's not a "state" to be reached,
not something that some individuals "have" and others don't.
It's more like awakening from a dream, and realising, with crystal clarity,
that it was only ever a dream.
It's like being a newborn baby again. Present. Open. Uncontaminated.
Seeing with fresh eyes. Seeing for the first time.
It's not an intellectual understanding. It's not contained in words or systems of thought.
It's your True Nature.
And you don't need to do anything to see your True Nature,
because you already are It. Fully.

Still, seeking for It may happen.
And for the dream character, all that apparently needs to happen,
is for the seeking to end, once and for all.
And to the dream character, nonduality teachings may appear to be helpful.
Until the seeking ends, that is, and the dream teachings dissolve,
and with great Laughter, and great Lightness,
the dream character dissolves with them.
And then it's all over, and there is only ever THIS, and nobody to know it.

Radical nonduality is radical freedom.

-- Jeff Foster

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Not Reacting to Content

Jan. 31st, 2008 | 09:35 am

I really enjoy Eckhart Tolle.

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Jan. 3rd, 2008 | 04:14 pm

Vipassana Meditation Course Application

from Jul 27 to Aug 7, 2008
Cedaredge, CO
10-Day in Cedaredge, CO
Your Application Form Has Been Sent

Well! I sent my application in to the Rocky Mountains Vipassana Association to attend during the summer. I am fairly excited about this.

One of my resolutions was to continue my spiritual growth. I am going to do that through several ways-- one of the ways is by getting a solid foundation of teaching, through learning the proper way to practice Vipassana meditation. The other ways are going to be through reaching out in my community.. by being active. I am going on a social justice retreat on January 17th to Estes Park. Last time, the leadership retreat jumpstarted my ability to be open. I think this will help me be more willing to use leadership skills when I get back in school for my student groups, and use them in ways that let me focus on the FREE (Finding Racial and Economic Equality) group, which I kind of like more than the environmental group, despite it's sometimes radical associations..

The final way is through getting on a regular exercise regimine to engage my physical body.. also through studying. I just need to start on these. It's hard because my sleeping patterns have been all fucked up.

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Eckhart Tolle on the Pain Body

Jan. 1st, 2008 | 11:24 pm


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Nov. 11th, 2007 | 11:26 am

Compassion yesterday didn't go so well. I did try to remain compassionate, but by the end of the day I was so burnt out that I tended to snap- I felt guilty, although I tried to apologize. No one was doing the work they were supposed to, people kept pushing it off; i understood what it was like to be my boss. Hahaha. Well, at least I developed compassion there. I really respect his role and can't imagine how hard it must be for him. This is his first year working a very busy holiday season at the busiest videogame store in Fort Collins.

I also tried to muster myself up to speak to my roommate about our tiff and the feelings/experiences I had from her blowing off my vulnerabilities. I told her the truth, but she didn't accept them.. while I was hurt, I just let myself filter the anger through me and into my body, bruises, et al.

I wanted to speak with her, remain compassionate and open and not cause a big divide to expand between us, but I wanted to speak with her face to face so she could see my face, so I could not objectify myself due to her anger and my guilt. The more object-like I feel, the easier it is to either A) separate from identity and connect with witnessing or B) disidentify from my being altogether and more easily hurt myself. I felt both of these instances.. that is not the issue, though. The issue is that I don't understand why now, there is a silence when I apologized and did what I could to "make things up."

Also, the whole situation leaves me wanting to harden and close up. I do not want to lay my vulnerabilities or thought processes out for her any more, which is my own failure in compassion. What was it I heard? --"Love until it hurts." My own selfish proclivities keep me hunkered in my hermit shell, which are my own problems, but it still takes two to make a friendship worthwhile.

So in that respect, I failed at living up to my outward meditations of compassion today.

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